Being Before Being Useful

One of the more meaningful things I’ve learned over the past few years is that I need to be before I become useful.

It sounds simple now, but it took me a long time to see it. Like many of us raised in Hispanic families, I learned early to help, contribute, carry my weight, and look around for what needed to be done. You didn’t arrive somewhere and just sit there. You brought in the chairs, helped with the food, translated, drove someone home, picked up the bill, or found some other way to be useful.

There is a lot of love in that, and I would never want to lose it. But I eventually noticed that I could walk into a room already scanning for what I could do before I had even settled into simply being there.

That realization finds its way into many of my partnerships. We may be talking about a difficult decision, a family responsibility, or something happening at work, and eventually the conversation slows down enough for us to notice how much of a person’s life has been built around being the one who handles things.

They are the person people count on. They know what to do, anticipate what is coming, solve problems, carry responsibility, and keep things moving. Much of what they have built may exist because of those very qualities.

Then we get curious together about what happens when nobody needs anything from them for a little while. Can they simply enjoy the moment, or do they start looking for another responsibility? Can someone care for them without their first instinct being to return the favor? Can they be with the people they love without quietly feeling responsible for everyone else’s experience?

I recognize those questions because I recognize myself in them. I know what it feels like to be most comfortable when I am contributing, and I also know now that I do not have to stop being generous, dependable, or responsible in order to live differently.

I can still help, show up, and carry responsibility when it is mine to carry. I just no longer believe I have to make myself useful before I belong.

That has been one of the quieter, but more meaningful, shifts in my life. Usefulness is something I offer. It is not the price of my existence.

Se encuentra la reflexión en español en mi sitio.

My Auténtico Self™